While I don't want to come across as constantly negative or down, I want this journey to be true, to tell the ups and the downs, and unfortunately my leg is going through a down time. I can't ignore the fact that I am so very thankful for my life, for my son's life, for a leg that works. I was not involved in some horrific car accident or cycling accident, I have not fought cancer, I have not lost a child after birth, the list goes on. So when I think of that I ask myself, do I have a right to be upset, to be frustrated? The answer, frustration is part of being human, it is something that we deal with but we have to learn to overcome. This is tough for me, this is the first injury that I have had that has taken time, a long time in my book, to begin to recover. The verdict is at least two years until it is healed enough to forget. To me, that is a long time.
In a world of social networking it is tough, it is hard not to want what others have as it is plastered all over every time one gets online. Runners World comes in the mail every month, and while I love looking at it, it makes me want what I don't have, what I used to have. Facebook is a constant, "ran 4 miles", so and so ran 15 miles, so and so ran this half marathon, and the list continues. While I am so very excited that others are running, trust me I longed for many people to share in the enjoyment of running that I had during the days that I ran, it is so hard not to want it so bad that it never leaves your thoughts. I have taken a brief time away from Facebook (for many reasons, not just running issues) and have considered ending my subscription to Runners World, but I am not ready yet.
Last night as I had a hard time going to sleep, thoughts raced through my head. Many times going back to my attempt to run on Saturday January 1, 2011. I don't think I made it 5 feet before my one left knee cap turned into about 5 knee caps from the swelling, my thigh was big enough to hide a small child, and my mind was ticked. So ticked, that I refused to stop, I kept going but my going was walking, not running. I was determined to go the distance that I set out to travel no matter how slow or how bad it hurt. I made it, but it was defeating, I didn't run, i couldn't run.
Many may wonder why I am trying so hard, why don't I just swim, why don't I do something else that does the same as running used to? Because I learned to love to run. I can't give it up. While it doesn't define me, it is part of me, a part of me that makes me feel so good when I go, so good when I am done. I want that back and I am not ready to give up yet.
When I get frustrated I do the same thing,I start thinking about all the things that could happen that are worse than what I am going through. It is not healthy for me to do that right now because then I feel guilty and it is an endless cycle. I believe what you said, it is ok to be frustrated and disappointed it is what we do to handle that frustration. I haven't got a handle on it yet but when I learn the secret I will let you know!
ReplyDeleteAs for now, I say you should try to find a happy medium and even though you want more understand this is all you can do and rest in that. I have had to do that a lot since the twins were born and I wanted to be able to devote the same amount of attention to Josiah as I did before the twins. I remember saying over and over in my head,"this is all I can do and it is ok. God wouldn't have given Josiah twin sisters if he wasn't up to the task"
As for you wanting to run but not being able to, i am not going to give you some cheesy advice or quote scripture because I know you know it all. It sucks and I am sorry!